Director: Andy Muschietti
Writers: Christina Hodson and Joby Harold
Stars: Ezra Miller, Sasha Calle, Ben Affleck

Synopsis: Barry Allen uses his super speed to change the past, but his attempt to save his family creates a world without super heroes, forcing him to race for his life in order to save the future.

Through the years, there was plenty of talk about bringing the Scarlet Speedster called The Flash to the big screen. If you know a little about the character and some of his storylines, crafting a film centered around him would be pretty complicated. His stories mostly revolved around the character’s manipulation of time and the effects it brings upon him and the people he cares about the most. How was a director going to shoot the numerous super-speed or time-traveling sequences? The only way to do so is by pigging out on CGI; there is no other option, for better or worse – even if we know it is mainly for the latter. In 2014, it was finally announced that a film about the famous comic-book hero would be released, slowly paving the way for the DCEU (DC Extended Universe) and uniting the famed Justice League once and for all. But, as we all know, things didn’t go as planned. 

Directors arrived and departed the project left and right, with no one being at the helm. And amidst all that, the DCEU was getting even more fractured with each addition into that universe. Five years later, Argentine director Andy Muschietti, known for the modern adaptation of It, joined the project. Many things happened during those years of production – script (and narrative) changes, possibilities of its lead being recast, and the pandemic holding them back. Some of us even thought it would go down the dumper due to all of these issues. However, after all this waiting, The Flash has managed to get its big-screen premiere. Was it worth the nine-year wait from its announcement until its release? Some people (aka. superfans) call it one of the best comic-book movies of all time, depicting a rendition of the titular character’s classic storyline, ‘Flashpoint’. From my perspective, I call it a complete disappointment.

Barry Allen (Ezra Miller) is working hard, although without much progress, at a forensic lab in the city. The reason why he’s staying there and rolling with his co-worker’s punches is to finally get justice for his dad Henry (Ron Livingston), who was wrongly arrested for murdering his wife, Nora (Maribel Verdú). There’s one piece of evidence that might help his father’s case. But, the CCTV footage Bruce Wayne (Ben Affleck) provided is unclear, as Henry doesn’t look up, and his face can’t be seen. As his world collapses with the potential of being without someone who loves him, Barry ponders how he can use his super-speed abilities to go back in time and save his mother. Bruce warns him that manipulating time and events will lead to tremendous consequences via the butterfly effect. Of course, Barry is blinded by this possible resolution to his problems. So, he decides to do it anyway. 

The Flash got what he wanted; his mother is now alive. But General Zod (Michael Shannon) is threatening Earth in search of a missing Kryptonian hidden on the planet. In addition, his younger immature self – also played by Miller in a Dumb and Dumber-like routine that works on some occasions and grows increasingly frustrating on others – has received the time-altering powers from the original timeline’s Barry. The two Barrys must now seek help from one of the few heroes in that universe, an old and bearded Batman (Michael Keaton), whose persona on-screen seemed like he was going to quote Danny Glover in Lethal Weapon: “I’m getting too old for this s***”. It was apparent that this casting, alongside plenty of decisions, was done just for the sake of fan service. And unlike many other films that rely on the multiverse, which is a very tired concept by now, it wasn’t that annoying or eye-rolling. 

It was weird seeing Keaton back in the classic Tim Burton cowl. Yet, his action scenes were decently entertaining. Compared to Reeves or Nolan’s Batman action sequences, they were nothing to brag about. But, at the very least, it didn’t repeat what we have seen before with the character. Right until this point in the film, which is during its middle segments, I was surprisingly going with it. Some of the quips made me roll my eyes to the back of my head, including one where Barry saves a baby from a falling hospital by putting it in a microwave. At the same time, others made me chuckle due to their randomness. You got a quick glimpse of an emotional core in the film, an aspect that felt lacking in recent superhero pictures like Ant-Man & The Wasp: Quantumania or Shazam: Fury of the Gods. The audience began to feel the original Barry’s frustration with his decision and actions. He wants to fix things yet ruins everything else in the process. 

I know this narrative is present in all of the multiverse films. What The Flash wants to do isn’t original or even inventive. However, it felt easy-flowing and welcoming throughout this point in the movie. Right after the crew of two Barrys and Batman rescue Superman from this world, Kara Zor-El (a poorly used Sasha Calle), things get into very rocky territory. Andy Muschietti puts the film in a hole it can’t get out of, drowning it in its mediocre direction and messy structure. The Flash’s climax is a repetition of what we saw in Zack Snyder’s Man of Steel, although without the sense of logic or stylistic distinctiveness. The final explosive battle sets itself in a desert – one of the most boring locations for a grand finale – where Zod faces the Barry duo, Supergirl, and Batman. 

Things don’t go as planned, so they retread their steps and try another way. And they try again… and again… and again once more, only to bore the audience into oblivion with a scratched record manufacture of horrid CGI, no surprise factor, or texture. After watching this fight sequence almost eight times, we are treated to one of the worst conclusions in recent superhero flicks. If you thought the visual effects and cameo spoilage were frustrating, it gets more shoddy by the minute. Think the Scorpion King in The Mummy Returns and Henry Cavill’s digitally erased mustache in The Justice League-level bad. It is unacceptable that the film tries to blind the audience from its cop-out conclusion by manipulating them with cameos and appearances. This level of serving the fandom has reached a new low with The Flash. The heart that the first and half of the second one had was left aside to give audiences “what they wanted”. 

Andy Muschietti has made a film showcasing comic-book movies’ worst tendencies. Glimpses of this were seen throughout its entire runtime, albeit exaggerating it on its curtain closer – personifying the feeling of a mega fan standing in a theater and pointing at the screen. I left the film disappointed and exhausted. The former is because of what the film began plotting and what it ended up being; the lifeless curation of superhero movies causes the latter. The Flash is not the worst of its kind, although it definitely is one of the most vacuous expeditions into the multiverse. 

Grade: D

Directors: Steven Caple, Jr.
Writers: Joby Harold, Darnell Metayer, Josh Peters
Stars: Anthony Ramos, Dominique Fishback, Luna Lauren Velez

Synopsis: During the ’90s, a new faction of Transformers – the Maximals – join the Autobots as allies in the battle for Earth.

Can you fault a franchise that wants to ensure its audience gets their money’s worth? Of course, you can, but you can certainly respect the effort. That’s what the previous incarnations of Transformers fell into: the Bayhem experience. Not so much saturating but immersing the viewer with an onslaught of digital special effects and a bombardment of sound that even Armageddon told the series’ films in the science fiction franchise to quiet down. This version is now one Michael Bay short, and Transformers: Rise of the Beasts is the definition of “less is more,” learning from the one bearable film in the franchise, Bumblebee. However, the latest version of the Transformers franchise remains a cinematic action diversion we used to take for granted but still cannot quite recommend.

The year is 1994. There was no such thing as a smartphone. Friends was all the rage. O.J. Simpson was on television for eye-opening reasons, and social media outlets like Facebook, Twitter, and TikTok were flashes of genius not yet conceived. Hardly anyone had their own cell phone (look it up, kids). That’s why Noah (In the Heights’ Anthony Ramos) communicates with his little brother, Kris (Dean Scott Vazquez), via walkie-talkie. Noah is a decorated former military man and electronics expert trying to secure a job to help pay medical bills for Kris’s sickle cell anemia. After Noah was rejected for a job for not being a team player, he turns to crime by helping steal cars when the hospital refused to see his brother after being three months behind on bills.

When Noah tries to lift a historic Porsche 911 Carrera RS – I had to look that up – the car turns out to be a rebellious transformer named Mirage (Pete Davidson) who takes Noah with him because he answers the call of Optimus Prime (Peter Cullen) who is alerted to a signal that there may be a way home to Cybertron. That’s because Elena Wallace (Dominique Fishback), a research intern at a local museum, finds a key hidden in an ancient artifact that sends a signal in the sky, alerting not only the Transformers but also a group of deadly Terrorcons who want to liberate Earth of all its natural resources. To defeat the deadly robotic race, the Autobots work with the Transformer faction, the Maximals, Noah, and Elena to defeat the Terrorcons and return home.

Under the new direction of Steven Caple Jr. and with so many writers that you can form a basketball team (five in total), Transformers: Rise of the Beasts is a considerable improvement in the franchise. It’s a somewhat self-contained story that benefits from using a straightforward MacGuffin of finding, locating, and trying to keep the key(s) safe. However, that’s a double-edged sword since if you have ever watched the numerous other Transformer films, and this one is set in the past, Optimus Prime and his friends won’t be leaving Earth anytime soon, leaving much of the suspense at the concession stands for fans. I’ll add quickly the “Beasts” in the film, consisting of the Maximals, should be front and center but take a back seat here.

The script relies heavily on the connection between the lead character and a supporting Transformer, a staple dating back to Shia LaBeouf and HaileeSteinfeld’s association with the series’ most likable character, Bumblebee. However, here it relies too much on the audience’s enjoyment of Pete Davidson’s Mirage, who never forms a connection with Ramos’s Noah in the way the script needs to establish the emotional relationship it leads up to. Additionally, there is the subplot involving Noah and his family, with his mother strangely absent after a brief appearance. Furthermore, the sibling relationship is cute and heartwarming, but is it different from what we have seen in other action films? These are all standard tropes that remain unchanged regardless of resets or reboots.

Then there’s the script itself, which produces dialogue as if it’s being plagiarized, stealing one-liners from a Transformers doll equipped with pull-string dialogue. The lines include words about honor, fighting back, making someone pay, and an Autobot announcing who they are. It all feels clunky and grating and does not enhance any action or the excellent special effects. This includes almost every time Optimus Prime speaks. The script has developed a nasty habit of turning him into a false leader and demagogue. It’s noticeable that every time one of the Maximals comes up with a plan and shows genuine leadership, Prime jumps in and says, “And we take the fight to them!” as if he came up with the idea in the first place. There should be edited scenes showing the characters talking behind their back and complaining throughout the film.

While venting my frustrations, I must say that I do like the cast, which is primarily made up of diverse actors, including Ramos and Fishback, who has been a serious talent since breaking out on the scene in the independent film Night Comes On. While Transformers: Rise of the Beasts has a furious finish that almost saves the moviegoing experience, Bumblebee’s return after being absent for most of the runtime and the ending’s head-scratching tease is enjoyable. Caple’s update remains an empty promise with plenty of potential for future installments.

Grade: C-

Directors: Joaquim Dos Santos, Kemp Powers, and Justin K. Thompson
Writers: Phil Lord, Christopher Miller, and Dave Callaham
Stars: Shameik Moore, Hailee Steinfeld, Brian Tyree Henry

Synopsis: Miles Morales catapults across the Multiverse, where he encounters a team of Spider-People charged with protecting its very existence. When the heroes clash on how to handle a new threat, Miles must redefine what it means to be a hero.

If you randomly ask anyone worldwide to name any superhero, Spider-Man would likely be one of the most common replies. The character’s popularity – primarily the Peter Parker iteration – is astronomical. Since the turn of the millennium, there have been 9 Spider-Man films, and the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU) version has featured an extra three times on top of his solo trilogy. Not to mention, the character has made multiple appearances in other forms of media such as video games and television projects. One of the reasons his popularity has been so mainstream, and the reason creator Stan Lee fought so hard to make the character, was because of his relatability of being a normal kid with everyday struggles. He wasn’t rich and he wasn’t popular, he was every anxious and scared kid who thought battling superpowered villains was easier than going to school, but deep down wants to help the people who couldn’t help themselves. 

To spread this message to a broader audience, Spider-Man became an alias for more than just   one individual, it evolved into a moniker for a group of some of the most diverse and unique superheroes that have ever existed. This has been something the comics have delved into but until 2018’s surprise masterpiece, Into the Spider-Verse, films hadn’t touched on any Spider-Person other than the original Peter Parker. That changed when Into the Spider-Verse had their main character as one of the more recent additions to the Spider-Man lore, Miles Morales (Shameik Moore). The film also included the well-known Peter B. Parker (Jake Johnson), but also other lesser-known Spider-People such as Spider-Gwen (Hailee Steinfeld), Spider-Man Noir (Nicholas Cage), Penny Parker (Kimiko Glenn), and Spider-Ham (John Mulaney as a talking pig with Spider-Man powers). With this film, Spider-Man as an idea grew past what anyone in the mainstream ever realized, and with the sequel Across the Spider-Verse, it gets even larger.

Across the Spider-Verse opens with a drumming Gwen Stacey talking through how hard it is to be the only Spider-Person in her universe – a situation that is even harder now knowing there are people in other universes who can understand her. She heads to the local art gallery after hearing reports of an attack from The Vulture (Jorma Taccone), however, when she sees this Vulture she notices something off about him – he isn’t from her universe. During their fight, Miguel O’Hara (Oscar Isaac) and Jessica Drew (Issa Rae), two other spider-people, appear to help Gwen and return the out-of-place Vulture to his original timeline.

Meanwhile, back in Miles Morales’s universe, a new villain is attempting to rob an ATM at a local shop. This villain, Spot (Jason Schwartzman), is covered in spots that let him open portals to different places. During a fight with Miles, Spot explains to him how he was created and the role that they both took in each other’s creation. Spot escapes Miles and figures out a way to traverse dimensions so he can grow more powerful. Gwen and other members of the “Spider-Society” (a group of spider-people created by Miguel O’Hara tasked with stopping anomalies among timelines) must find a way to stop Spot, while Miles is forced to reconcile with the role he must play in everything.

Into the Spider-Verse is, and always will be a crowning achievement in cinema. It didn’t just change the way an animated film could be told, or viewed, it completely shattered the very fabric and understanding of what an animated film is. Across the Spider-Verse could have mainly followed in the footsteps of its predecessor and still have been a better movie, animated or not, than most over the past few years. Luckily for us, the minds and massive team of around 1000 animators didn’t want to take the easy path, no, they once again absolutely shattered how a film can be told through animation. So much so that Across the Spider-Verse almost transcends being just a film, it’s pure art.

From the beginning drum solo, which features only a small section of Daniel Pemberton’s miraculous score, the frenetic animation pulls the audience in giving only clues of what is about to come. Blending together what seems to be every animation style known to man with a massive cast of almost every version of Spider-Man there has ever been expands on the idea of what film can truly be. The action sequences are created with such ferocity to raise the heart rates of the viewers, but the emotional beats are displayed with enough pathos that feels palpable at any given moment. It’s an enthralling work that, even though it very much exists, still feels imaginary.

The mesmerizing visual style isn’t the only thing this film has going for it, as the characters and the emotions are explored even more in this sequel. The scared kid who had his life change overnight is growing up, and now a year older, Miles’s confidence has grown with it. Gone are the days where he is scared to even use his powers as now his focus is to become a part of something bigger. However, as he finds out, not everything he wants is as great as it seems. If his journey in the first film was to learn to trust himself, his journey here is to become his own person. Not just Miles, but Gwen as well, have to learn that if they want to tell their own story, they have to take control of their own lives. Its emotion, while sad at times, isn’t rooted in sorrow, but displayed in these characters learning to command themselves and carve out their own paths within a myriad of universes.

Across the Spider-Verse is, like the first of this soon-to-be trilogy, a masterpiece. An animation spectacle that doesn’t just redefine what it means to be an animated film – something Into the Spider-Verse did itself – it redefines filmmaking as a whole while always still keeping the emotional beats and characters at the focus. A stellar score and soundtrack as well as a voice cast constantly giving their all make this not just one of the best films of the year, but one of the best ever, and is now two-thirds away from being one of the best trilogies in cinema history.

Grade: A+

Director: Rob Savage

Writers: Scott Beck, Bryan Woods, and Mark Heyman

Stars: Sophie Thatcher, Chris Messina, Vivien Lyra Blair

Synopsis: High school student Sadie Harper and her younger sister, Sawyer, are still reeling from the recent death of their mother. They’re not getting much support from their father, Will, a therapist who’s dealing with his own intense pain. When a desperate patient unexpectedly shows up at their house seeking help, he leaves behind a terrifying supernatural entity that preys on families and feeds on the suffering of its victims.

Everything that master horror author Stephen King, who has created classic tales like Carrie, The Shining, and Pet Sematary, doesn’t turn into gold. And although I really respect his constant drive for creating horror stories decade through decade, there have been plenty of lackluster ones. An example is the short story included in King’s 1978 ‘Night Shift’ collection, The Boogeyman. The acclaimed genre auteur’s name isn’t enough to excite me to watch a feature anymore. You need a talented director who has their own voice and can translate that story from the pages onto the big screen successfully. I believed Rob Savage was once that director that could bring enough horrific pizzazz onto a project and make it its own, even if it’s an adaptation, because of his hit debut Host, which startled many horror cinema lovers during the pandemic. Unfortunately, the British filmmaker makes a highly disappointing feature that dwells in every genre trope imaginable, making it a tough watch due to its dullness. 

The Boogeyman centers around a sixteen-year-old girl named Sadie (Sophie Thatcher) and her ten-year-old sister, Sawyer (Vivien Lyra Blair), who are struggling to connect and move forward in the wake of their mother’s brutal passing. Their therapist father, Will Harper (Chris Messina), seems to be so isolated emotionally that he’s distant, not only to his patients, but also to his two daughters. After introducing these characters, a cheesy high school bully scene follows, inducing plenty of eye rolls. The dialogue feels that it was generated by an A.I. of some sort. Nonetheless, Sophie heads home after an altercation with the mean girl in the locker near her. And that’s when a strange man, Lester Billings (David Dastmalchian), knocks on Will’s door, asking him to understand his pain and the belief of a dark entity haunting his daily life. Haunted by the entity that personifies his grief and depression, Lester kills himself at the Harper house, paving the way for the creature to lurk in their hallways. 

Putting all of the cliches aside, the narrative is intriguing enough for the audience to put their attention into. Everything might not be sharply put together until this point, yet you go with it to see where it might lead. Unfortunately, it doesn’t go anywhere interesting. The biggest problem of them all is that The Boogeyman is, in all of its aspects , average and harmless – never having a unique identity of its own and choosing to go down a route that doesn’t deliver an emotional payoff. I heavily disliked Rob Savage’s previous feature, Dashcam. But, I’d prefer him to go broader into shlock-like horror cinema – with buckets of blood being spilled, people throwing up, foul-mouthed characters, and some experimental direction – because, in those films, he can express himself better as a filmmaker. Unfortunately, in these studio films, Savage is restrained from demonstrating his talents because he has to curate a film that targets the Stranger Things audience. 

With The Boogeyman, Savage presents us with one of the most bland and uninspired horror narratives this year. Not even the titular creature has a great design; it feels like a copy of a Demogordon, albeit without the flower-like head and with a more hound look to it. Some of the same problems I had with Scott Derickson’s The Black Phone, targeted to the same audience as this one, are repeated here. Both films frustratingly rely on the precise Stephen King horror tropes to the point where they are rendered indistinguishable and hollow. This is an issue because you can’t shake the feeling that we have seen this type of film before, and has been done better by filmmakers that make twists to the narrative or, at the very least, develop a unique directorial language to tell a commonly seen tale about the effects of grief and trauma, which seems to be the central theme in most recent big studio horror pictures. 

There are a few instances in which you see Rob Savage trying to breathe life into the film with some flashy lighting and using shadowplay. In those moments, you notice Savage’s gift of providing good scares. Yet, those moments are forgotten by the time the end credits arrive. The performances carry the emotional weight and heart that The Boogeyman has on its sleeve, particularly the leading girl Sophie Thatcher, Chris Messina, and the always fascinating (but ultimately wasted) Marin Ireland. Both Thatcher and Messina portray the drowning sensation grief puts onto you in a way that makes you believe in their pain. The former has several moments where she can express her desire for her mother to return with her facial expressions rather than by dialogue. Ireland has the most superficial role in the film compared with the two aforementioned actors. But she’s so engaging to watch, no matter the role, that you are excited to see her, even if it is for less than five minutes. 

Nevertheless, the cast can only go as far as the screenplay, rapidly filling in the tension and risk-less blanks. It sometimes feels as if Savage and his team of screenwriters barely want to create an inventive story. Every narrative beat has been seen before multiple times; cliches and tropes of teen-oriented horror pictures are at the forefront – the unnecessarily mean bully (whom Sadie slaps at one point in the movie and people cheered for some reason), the “you never listen to me” line and a literal fiery climax. You can see everything coming from a mile away. And since the direction is uninspired, the viewer doesn’t want to engage with what’s happening. Even when the actors have shared the respective ways they prepared for the role and to connect with them more, Thatcher created a playlist that resembles the feeling of a grief-hardened heart, every cinematic element in The Boogeyman seemed that there wasn’t any care or thought put into it. I have wanted to cheer Rob Savage’s career on since he made one of the very first highly effective pandemic horror films with Host. But, his latter works have made me hopeless to see him in top form again. 

Grade: D

Director: Celine Song

Writer: Celine Song

Stars: Greta Lee, Teo Yoo, John Magaro

Synopsis: Nora and Hae Sung, two deeply connected childhood friends, are wrest apart after Nora’s family emigrates from South Korea. 20 years later, they are reunited for one fateful week as they confront notions of love and destiny.

As humans, we’re only trying to do our best with what we’re given. Choices we make and the people who become a part of our short lives only happen through circumstance, chance, and ultimately, fate. Throughout, people will come and go and love will be had and lost, but the one thing you can never force in this world is fate.

Past Lives starts with our three characters, Nora (Greta Lee), Arthur (John Magaro), and Hae Sung (Teo Yoo) conversing at a bar while onlookers try to guess what their relation to one another is. Without delay, it jumps 24 years into the past to see a younger Nora (then Na Young) and her best friend, a younger Hae Sung. From a young age, the connection the two share is obvious and feels even more than friendship. However, when Na Young has to immigrate with her parents from Seoul to Canada, the bond they share becomes simply a memory.

Fast forward 12 years, and the two reconnect in their 20s after Hae Sung attempts to find Na Young, now Nora, through Facebook. She sees his attempts and reaches out to him looking to rekindle the dying flame. Through emails and plenty of Skype calls back and forth, they pick up as if they had never lost one another and their romance blossoms even more. That is until Nora, heartbreakingly, has to end it between them to focus on her current life, and not dwell in the past. After they end communication, she meets Arthur at a writer’s retreat over the Summer. The bond they share isn’t as quick, or as natural, as the one that is shared between Nora and Hae Sung, but it’s real.

12 years later, Nora and Arthur are now married and living in New York together, and Hae Sung is about to make a trip to see her in person for the first time in 24 years. From the first look shared between them, there is a feeling that is natural yet distant. The quiet walks and time shared feel like everything that should make for a pretty fantastic romance story, but, as shown throughout the film, not all romance is physical, and not all love is acted upon.

In her debut, writer/director Celine Song takes the quiet side of love and fate and creates something full of vibrancy. Her script is subtle, weaving in Nora and Hae Sung’s connections with poignancy, leaving some of the best moments left unsaid rather than spoken. Past Lives revolves heavily around the Korean/Buddhist term “In-Yun.” As explained in the film, this is an all-encompassing term that references fate or the ties two strangers share throughout their many lives. Sometimes the ties two people share bring them together in a way that is explored in their current life, and sometimes two people can feel so right for each other, but it just isn’t their time yet.

The love between Nora and Hae Sung is there, it is evident in every moment and the glances they share, but sometimes fate just gets in the way. While Song’s script beautifully articulates this notion, it’s her directing that truly shines. Her majestic sense of framing continuously shows how these two are so close to being perfect for one another, but there is constant space between them. Coming from a theater background makes sense given how well she positions her characters to tell a story visually rather than verbally. It might, at times, feel too precise, but it never once feels dull.

Bringing to life this vision are three performances worthy of awards consideration. Greta Lee, John Magaro, and Teo Yoo all find their place in this film. Magaro and Yoo, each playing a different half of Nora’s love. For Yoo, he is the theoretical love, someone who feels comforting to her in a fantastical way. While Magaro is the practical love, the person who is there and is present and makes sense. Each of these men wants what the other person has, and both of them effectively display the struggle that goes on with trying to be the right person for her. However, it’s Greta Lee’s transcendent performance that shines above the rest. Torn in two directions, it’s Lee who constantly has to make the impossible choice. Does she follow her heart or does she listen to fate? It’s a complex decision, especially in her case, in which one half feels right while the other half is right, and a choice is made near the end that is genuinely heartbreaking.

That’s because there are no right answers; no matter the choice made, someone will be hurt. Past Lives tells the story of the “right person, wrong time” in a gorgeously subtle way. Even if it can be too subtle at times, Song’s writing and directing help display a longingness of wanting to be the perfect person for someone, but fate makes other plans. The trio of actors all give stellar performances but it’s Greta Lee who should be remembered throughout the year. One of the most brutally honest love stories in quite some time.

Grade: B+

Director: Peter Atencio

Writers: Kevin Biegel and Scotty Landes

Stars: Bert Kreischer, Mark Hamill, Jimmy Tatro

Synopsis: Bert’s drunken past catches up with him 20 years down the road when he and his father are kidnapped by those Bert wronged 20 years ago while drunk on a college semester abroad in Russia.

Something that catches the short attention span of humans in the 21st century will likely be forgotten by the majority of us about an hour after we see it. We’ll see it again when someone shows it to us and we’ll agree with them that it’s a very funny thing. After about five or so viewings, it loses the spark. After a month, it’s likely gone. Then it’s three or four years later and there’s a movie adaptation because a producer saw the story potential and needed the rights to it, but film production is glacial compared to the internet. so It’s far too late. The moment has passed. So, here’s The Machine, a film that expands the world of a very funny story comedian Bert Kreischer tells during his stand up act that was captured on video and went viral.

The story is funny enough. Kreischer is funny when telling it. Yet, this new adventure Bert goes on is just O.K. The reason it never elevates beyond its source material is because it wants to be something more than just a wacky story. There is an emotional throughline in the film that is never earned. At one point Bert’s eldest daughter has an outburst at her birthday party. She starts crying and rather than the scene feeling real, it’s too intimate, too early. It’s stuck to the narrative like gum on a shoe.

This odd feeling is perpetuated by a lack of score in some of the beginning where jokes are supposed to be vulnerable and from a dark place, but fall flat. Without something underneath the tension never resolves. The jokes land with a thud. They’re funny and you know they’re funny, but unlike in the best kinds of cringe comedy, there’s not that good timing or reaction. It’s a bit of a Mike Myers effect where in the early scenes Bert has to be the only one who’s funny and the one who gets the best lines. Without music or a reaction to underscore it, he just looks like a complete jerk.

There are other pieces that don’t really fit as well. It’s mostly the action scenes. They are superbly choreographed and shot very well. They just don’t fit. They feel entirely tacked onto the film like they can be cut out and used for someone’s demo reel. Director Peter Atnecio already has a reputation as an action comedy director, but maybe he’s disappointed Marvel hasn’t brought him on for a project yet. The fight scenes make sense when Bert and Albert (Mark Hamill) get into it with some foes, but there’s no real need for so much Irina (Iva Babic) in full Black Widow mode kicking henchman keister some place else.

What is a delight to see is Mark Hamill. Hamill is so rarely given the opportunity to show off his talent outside of a Star War or some heightened version of himself that he’s a refreshing presence. He’s got such excellent comedic timing and he plays the nitpicking father so well. He’s the highlight of the film for sure.

There are enough laugh out loud one liners that the film isn’t utterly unwatchable. The Machine wants to be the kind of phenomenon that people talk about and word of mouth spreads, but it just doesn’t have the legs the original viral video had. Too much of it tries to be something it’s not, like an all out action film or an emotionally tinged comedy. It’s just so so, which can be a nice distraction from the summer heat.

Grade: C

Director: Ric Roman Waugh

Writer: Mitchell LaFortune

Stars: Gerard Butler, Navid Negahban, Ali Fazal

Synopsis: A CIA operative and his translator flee from special forces in Afghanistan after exposing a covert mission.

I think it’s safe to say that Gerard Butler has been typecast in a slew of B-level action pictures and is on track to become the next Liam Neeson. He even reunites with director Ric Roman Waugh for Kandahar. Waugh directed Butler in Angel Has Fallen and the surprisingly fun Greenland. One who expects Butler to go through an impossible mission to get to his family (that has been the plot of every Butler action film for a while now) may enjoy Kandahar. However, those looking for serious entertainment may leave the theater feeling disappointed. 

At least the action scenes are good. Waugh knows how to direct tight and exciting setpieces, ranging from a car chase inside a densely-packed market, a night vision battle between Tom Harris (Gerard Butler) and a helicopter, and a duel in the sand between Harris and ISI agent Kahlil (Ali Fazal). The latter is the coolest setpiece of the bunch, with Waugh and cinematographer MacGregor amping up the tension with long, wide shots, whilst editor Colby Parker Jr. cuts the confrontation with precision. The result is terrifically exciting and worth the price of admission for the big screen experience. 

Unfortunately, it takes a long time to get going. The film spends a good forty minutes setting up its multiple storylines, of many enemies going after Harris and translator Mo (Navid Neghaban) trying to flee Afghanistan to get to Kandahar after their cover is blown. There are perhaps way too many characters that, unfortunately, do not do much other than act in a brooding evil look. Fazal’s Khalil is a one-note ISI agent with a cool motorcycle. That’s it. He does nothing else but travel on his motorcycle, travel in a truck that carries his motorcycle, and then prepares his motorcycle to travel with it once more. At least it looks cool as hell. 

There’s a journalist character who gets kidnapped, which serves as a way for Waugh to insert a half-assed geopolitical commentary that goes absolutely nowhere, just like most of the film’s side characters. One character appears during a pivotal action scene, only for him to completely disappear during the rest of the film until he reappears at the end to reveal that he died. It’s as if the filmmakers forgot to show that he died in action. But since the side characters are so forgettable, maybe they thought no one would notice?

That said, Butler gives his all for the first time in a long time. He has phoned it in since starring in Olympus Has Fallen and hasn’t gotten any better with time. But in Kandahar, he seems to care about the bond between Harris and Mo genuinely, played with great emotional resonance by Negahban, who is one of the most underappreciated character actors working today (I’ll direct you to his work as The Shadow King in FX’s Legion). They’re why you slowly care about their quest because their performances are excellent. However, this exact story was done in a much better movie a month ago, with only a few differences: Guy Ritchie’s The Covenant (it also doesn’t help that I watched that film last week, which left quite an impression on me). 

In a sense, Kandahar is the Cannon Group version of Guy Ritchie’s The Covenant. It’s got great action and two great lead performances. However, the difference in quality between the two is staggering, especially when it tries to shoehorn a geopolitical commentary that doesn’t work since Waugh doesn’t do anything with his journalistic subplot. There’s a lot he’s trying to balance out in this film  — some of it works, but most of it doesn’t. As far as his collaborations go with Butler, it’s, unfortunately, his weakest, even if he manages to get a great performance out of him. Here’s hoping his next B-grade action film will be significantly better. 

Grade: C